Lagniappe (lan-yap) - French word for "A little something extra"; used frequently in Southern Louisiana, and since I'm moving back to New Orelans (NOLA), I thought it would be an appropriate title to my "interruptions/little something extra thoughts" to my saga of moving back to the "Big Easy."
Pity Party: A Little Late Posting this! A little lengthy---Sorry!
(Three) Tuesdays ago was a hard day for me. I just couldn't get motivated. I felt "blah" and very emotional. Lots of tears. Some people may think, "Well, you've done this to yourself. You could have moved with your husband. It was your choice to stay behind, so toughen up." Because I fear people think that, I am hesitant to complain. But, that Tuesday was hard. I was just very overwhelmed with it all---being a "single" mommy of three children and all of the millions of job titles that entails, along with trying to get a house ready to sell, continuing to substitute teach, continuing to serve in our local church, and the list goes on and on! There are many reasons that my husband and I prayerfully made the decision for the kids and I to stay behind. And, if you want to read them, they are at the end of this post, but they're not necessary for the point of the post! It's already long!
That particular Tuesday night, I tearfully poured my heart out to my over-whelmed husband, and I felt guilty afterward. He's just as stressed as I am but in a completely different way. He misses us and is very overwhelmed with his new position. Now don't get me wrong, he's thoroughly enjoying it, but it has come with great responsibility in a completely new setting to him. Now, like the name of my blog implies, I'm NOT perfect. So, when I mean pity party, I mean P.I.T.Y. P.A.R.T.Y (You know, ladies, standing in the shower sobbing kind of PITY PARTY!!!) Now, I know I've been a "pastor's wife" for 10 years, and I should have this wonderfully, super spiritual reaction to tough situations. HA! My head knows all of the "church answers" and all of the scriptures, but I tell you, it's tough. Flesh takes over, and then, all of the doubt, worry, fear, anxiety, set-in. I was questioning God as to "WHY CAN'T THINGS EVER BE EASY?!? Why couldn't this job opportunity come at the end of the school year so we could have all moved?, Why can't our house sell quickly?, What if our house doesn't sell by May? Why, Why, Why???" Ever been there? Ever thought you would SCREAM if someone gave you a "church answer" when you're in that type of "mood?...because the last thing you want to hear is a "church answer," even though you desperately need to be reminded of the promises in God's word??? Been there many times. Was there 3 weeks ago.
I finally was able to fall asleep that night, and sleep helps TREMENDOUSLY! When you're maxed out emotionally and physically, sleep is so important. I started reading through the Bible chronologically the first of January, and during my "breakdown" I happened to be in the book of Job! How appropriate! And, isn't God's timing perfect?!?! The next morning I opened my Bible to Job 38 and started reading through Chapter 41. Need I say more? If you haven't ever read it or have never read those chapters in the middle of what you consider to be an overwhelming season in your life, I would strongly encourage you to do so. I've read through those chapters numerous times before but that particular morning I felt as if God's voice was asking me the questions in those chapters:
Chapter 38:12, Rebekah, "Have you ever in your life commanded the morning, And caused the dawn to know its place?,"
Chapter 38:18, Rebekah, "Have you understood the expanse of the earth? Tell Me, if you know all of this."
And on and on.....to every verse. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I sat in awe of the beautiful reminder of how MIGHTY our God is! As my mom has often reminded me, the God who created the universe, who has taken care of you, Rebekah, over and and over and over again, is NOT going to decide today, during this season of challenges, to leave me!!! He is Sovereign. He knows every detail. He knows who is going to buy our home. He knows how many piles of laundry I have to fold. He knows when my 3 year old decides it would be a good idea to wrangle his sissy's Beta fish with his bare hands (which happened a little more recently than this breakdown)! He knows! He cares!! He loves me!!!
As I finished my time of devotion and worship that morning, I was reminded of the book by Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts. The basis of her book is finding ultimate joy in Christ Jesus our Savior through what He did for us on the cross, sacrificing Himself for us - Grace, and for that we can find true thanksgiving. She references the Greek word "eucharisteo" which is translated "he gave thanks" in Luke 22:19, "And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them....(NIV) (Voskamp 31). Quoting Voskamp on page 32 of her book, she explains the following:
"The root word of eucharisteo is charis, meaning 'grace.' Jesus took the bread and saw it as grace and gave thanks. He took the bread and knew it to be gift and gave thanks.
But there is more, and I read it. Eucharisteo, thanksgiving, envelopes the Greek word for grace, charis. But it also holds it derivative, the Greek word chara, meaning "joy." Joy. Ah...the quest for more is all about---that which Augustine claimed, 'Without exception....all try their hardest to reach the same goal, that is, joy.'"
Throughout her book, Voskamp shares how she started a list of 1000 "gifts" for which to give thanks...from "mail in the mailbox" to "kisses in the dark"...Eucharisteo. And so, I have begun my own "list"....I haven't been writing them down....but I think I'll start. I've been trying to be intentional when I am feeling overwhelmed to start thanking God..... "Thank you for my home, even though it's a WRECK! Thank you that we have had at least one person call about our house each week. Thank you for a washer and a dryer. Thank you for laughter of children. Thank you for dimpled grins and snaggle tooth smiles. Thank you for kisses. Thank for hearing the word 'mommy' 1000 times from three very different children. Thank you for safe travels for my husband, Thank you for this wonderful opportunity for my husband, etc." Now, I still have moments of feeling extremely overwhelmed and utterly and completely exhausted, but at least now, I have a "plan" to combat my moments of weakness and attacks from the one who tries to rob me (and everyone!) of JOY and PEACE....Satan. I have been more intentional about quoting scriptures to counter these fears. Fighting back with the Sword of the Spirit! God has been so good to continue to give friends who have such a gift for encouragement just the right scripture verses and words of truth to share with me....and no! I didn't scream at them! Ha! I knew it was the Lord using them to speak directly to me! So, as I end this very long, long overdue post, I remind you once again that our imPERFECTIONS are made PERFECT through the Grace given to us by our Heavenly Father as He sacrificed His Son on the cross for you and for me.
Reasons the kids and I didn't move:
1. Finances. We can't afford to pay our mortgage on the home we own now and rent on our new house on campus.
2. Housing. The apartment my husband is able to live in rent-free right now is very small. Yes, we could have crammed in there for a week or two and made it work, but the "new" would have worn off quickly and it would have been very difficult to move there for 19 weeks and try to start homeschooling (decision to homeschool will be a later Lagniappe post) and adjusting in general. Because it is a fully furnished apartment, it would have been difficult to make the children leave their "things" and adjust to a new, "temporary" home in a permanent location still in a "topsy turvey" situation. If we were able to move straight into our home, it would have been much easier.
3. Moving. Trying to save the "headache" of moving twice. Even though we would have had to leave the majority of our things in our home here, we still would be moving two times. Once to a temporary setting and then finally into our home. Again, trying to save the children from the craziness of a temporary situation. Plus, trying to sell a home while we live 2 states away would have been difficult as well. We are trying to sell it "By Owner" to save 7% on realtor's commission!
4. Homeschooling. Right now, we are thinking that we will home school to begin with. I couldn't imagine trying to move into a temporary housing situation and trying to get home school "figured out" and implemented in a timely fashion right now. With all of this change being made official in the midst of the craziness of the Christmas season, and then my husband starting January 1 with the seminary, I was just trying to survive in our somewhat "normal" homelife. It would have been extremely difficult to uproot to a temporary housing situation and try to start home school with a 3 week time preparation. I want to ensure that my children receive the best education, and I knew that I could not provide that in that situation.
5. The Children. Yes, it is very hard with daddy being gone during the week. However, he is home on the weekends, and for that we are so thankful. I think often of the great men and women who serve in our military who are deployed for months and months and don't get to see "daddy" or "mommy" once a week. We thought this semester of a gradual transition would be best for the children. They would have the time to process this move the best they can in their 8, 6, and 3 year old minds. They could finish the school semester with their friends, finish their extra curricular activities, and participate in activities with "their" church. With it being a gradual change, we thought they might handle the actual move better, rather than us uprooting the only lives they have ever known with only three weeks warning and moving them to a temporary situation and trying to start homeschooling. Yes, children are resilient in a lot of ways, and I've heard that repeatedly during all of this change when considering how this will all affect the kids. But, the truth is, they are still people. They are still going to hurt. They still have feelings about all of this. I can not expect them to just "be happy" and "be fine" with all of this change. I have to acknowledge that this is very hard on them. I have to encourage them. I have to be "real" with them. Our prayer is that by the time May arrives, they will be better adjusted to this "idea" of change. Once we move, we know it will be a whole new set of emotions.
6. A More Natural Transition. With the children being able to finish the semester here, we would have the summer to prepare for the transition of homeschooling rather than being "thrown to the wolves" immediately! ha!
7. Our House Hasn't Sold. We prayed that if we were supposed to move with my husband that our house here would sell immediately. It hasn't sold.
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