Most Likely to "Not" Succeed

Okay, this one is "kinda" long!  I actually started thinking about blogging/writing about 3 years ago.  In fact, I sat down to begin toying with writing in May of 2010.  That same day, my husband began a 3 week long "adventure" with kidney stones, and I never returned to my "adventure" of writing.  The following are my thoughts from January 24, 2013.  I was in the middle of a "moment" of not feeling adequate, and so I sat down to "pen" my thoughts.  It just so happend to turn into a 4 page, double space "paper"!  ha!  So, you may need more than a "minute" to read this!

Most Likely to “Not” Succeed

     What a title….right?...especially considering I was the Valedictorian of my high school graduating class, and I was voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in my graduating class’s list of “Who’s Who.” But, I feel that a more adequate “Who’s Who” title for me would be “Most Likely to ‘Not’ Succeed”, at least according to the world’s standards. Why do I feel this way? Well, as my pastor husband says, “I’m glad you asked!”

     To begin with, I am currently sitting at my computer in my home, which is in desperate need to be cleaned from top to bottom and de-cluttered! My house is a complete disaster!!! And, there’s really no reason in the “world’s eyes” it should be this way because I am one of the “privileged stay-at-home moms” who goes to the gym every morning while a nanny prepares breakfast for my 3 children and gets them off to school. Then, a housekeeper arrives and cleans and straightens my house from top to bottom on a daily basis, while I shop and have lunch with friends. I arrive home just in time to get in the car line to pick my children up from school and to assist with homework while dinner simmers on the stove (which my housekeeper prepared), Now, don’t I wish!! Ha! This is the furthest thing from reality!!!

     Each day is a whirlwind from the time the alarm clock begins buzzing (at least 20 minutes before I actually “have” to get up so I can hit “snooze” a couple of times) until my head hits the pillow at night, which is usually around midnight! God has richly blessed my husband and me with three wonderful children – 6 year old son (1st grader), 4 year old daughter, and a 16 month old son. My husband is a pastor of a “smaller” congregation, and therefore, the money does not “overflow-eth.” However, God has met our every need, and He continues to do so faithfully. So, no, I absolutely do not go to the gym…can’t say that I would even if we could afford it….I do NOT have a nanny or a housekeeper!!! I have a four year degree from a wonderful university as well as some hours toward two different master’s degrees all to say that I am the following: A wife, a mother, a daughter, a cook, a nurse, a housekeeper, a counselor, a referee, a taxi service, a “room-mom”, a laundry service, a servant at church, and the list goes on and on.

     So, as you can see, in the “world’s eyes” these tasks seem menial and don’t seem to belong to someone who was voted “Most Likely to Succeed.” So, the question remains, do I think I am successful? Honestly, that question has been a struggle for me lately, especially as my husband and I have struggled financially….it seems that the solution would be for me to “go to work”…..a.k.a. work outside the home. However, if I did, I would miss out on those little moments that make my job the most wonderful in the world, such as cleaning up a baby covered in diarrhea from head to toe, stepping in a puddle of fresh spit up, reading and cuddling with a sick baby, having my four year old daughter “do” my make-up, hair, and finger nails, playing ninja with my “big” boy, jumping on the trampoline and playing baseball instead of cleaning house, packing lunches each morning, attending field trips, and the list goes on an on.
    
     I am currently reading Kisses from Katie by Katie Davis, and I came across a quote in her book that brought tears to my eyes because it describes perfectly how I feel. She states, “By God’s grace, even in the hard moments, I knew that the job of being a mother was what God had created my heart for” (Davis, 63). Wow! That describes me to a “T”! From a very young little girl, I knew that all I wanted to be “when I grew up” was a mommy. I carried my homemade Cabbage Patch dolls around with me everywhere, and my mom gave me a couple of my little sister’s disposable diapers to put on her….which I recycled over and over. Disposable diapers had just come out and were such a treasure to have, so mom rightfully encouraged me to “wash” and reuse them! I remember a special trip to the dollar store to purchase one of my babies a new bottle, which I have to this day, and my daughter now uses for her babies!

     I had a difficult time deciding on a major for college, and I never worked in the field in the one I did pursue because I always new that I always wanted to be “just a mom.” I told my husband (who I dated throughout high school and college) repeatedly that I never wanted to work outside the home once we had children. So, we tried to prepare the best we could for that, even knowing that he was going into the pastorate. I taught school before our first child was born, and after his arrival I stayed home with him until he was 6 months old. At that point, my husband and I decided that the best choice financially was for me to go back to work part time so that we could continue buying groceries and diapers! I have nursed all 3 of our babies for a year, so at least we have saved money on formula! The Lord graciously provided a teaching position at a Technical College where I had a wonderful working environment and flexible hours. It truly was a blessing.

     I worked there a little over a year, and then the Lord moved us to our current city where my husband is the head shepherd of our church. Shortly after moving, 3 weeks later to be exact, I found out that I was expecting our precious baby girl. And, so the past 5 years of our lives began in a whirlwind of adjusting to a new home/pastorate and severe morning sickness with a 20 month old going through early “terrible twos”! We have made it through trials—spiritual, physical, emotional, financial, and we are stronger for it. I never went to work outside of the home once arriving in our current location. However, it hasn’t been easy, and I do question my sanity often and if we are doing the “right thing,” especially from a financial standpoint. But, I wouldn’t trade the memories and the opportunities I’ve had to invest in my children for this season of their lives. I fail daily. I lose my patience, I get frustrated, I yell at my children for no reason, I doubt, I worry, I cry, I struggle with the feeling of inadequacy…..I’m human….I know that Satan is the author of those feelings…..but I also know that I’m Redeemed by the Blood of THE LAMB! I know that as long as I strive to live my life for HIS glory, then yes I am successful….if my children see Christ in me daily (even when I “mess up”), then yes I am successful….if I can show unconditional love and grace and mercy to others, then yes, I am successful….and if I know I can only do these things through Christ, then yes, I am successful!

     So, my prayer is that I can continue to remember that I am a daughter of the King of Kings, and my value and self-worth and “success” is only found in Him. I realize that for many women staying at home with your children is not an option financially, and so I pray that this is not offensive to you. This is just an out-pouring of my heart and my struggles as a daughter of Christ. I hope that this will encourage other stay-at-home moms who choose to make sacrifices, especially financially, to realize that it is truly worth it and that we are truly successful, even if it doesn’t appear that way in the “world’s eyes.”